The Good Book

Numbers 34-36: I came very close to an awful "Levites like their money" gag here

Summary: God defines exactly what the borders of Israel's new home will be, and who gets to decide the land distribution within each tribe, as well as what lands to set aside for the Levites (priests).  He also directs that six cities of refuge be named-these are asylums for people who have committed manslaughter, but have not yet been tried.  God then further defines the difference between manslaughter (punishable by semi-permanent exile to the refuge city) and murder (punishable by death).

Moses clarifies that land inheritance is patrilineal, and that the the upcoming tribal apportionments are basically permanent.

Thoughts:  The city of refuge concept is apparently to prevent blood feuds, which is an entirely reasonable idea, as is the stipulation that multiple witnesses are necessary in the case of capital punishment.   Other concepts, such as said capital punishment coming at the hands of an "avenger" from the victim's family, are less appealing.

The OBC tells us that, "at the end of Numbers Israel's entrance into the promised land is just hours away."  Great day in the morning!

Great quotes:  And the border shall go on to Ziphron, and the goings out of it shall be at Hazar-enan: this shall be your north border. (Num 34:9)  It's not well known, but God worked as a land surveyor for a few years after college.

Numbers 31-33: Neca eos omnes. Deus suos agnoscet, I guess

Summary:  At God's bidding, the Israelites make war on the Midianites (the people who lived in Moab), and they proceed to sack their towns, slaying all the men, and capturing the women and children.  This does not satisfy Moses, who orders all male children and non-virgin women killed; the virginal women are to be distributed along with all the other booty.

Certain Israelite leaders come to Moses and Eleazar observing that the land they have now is fine for cattle ranching; perhaps they could just stay?  Moses points out that people saying this earlier was God's reason for the making them wander the desert for 40 years.  They eventually compromise with the idea that these men will still help with any fighting associated with clearing out Canaan (the promised land); they'll only come back after.

After a recap of the exodus so far, God passes on his instructions for the conquest of Canaan.  They are to be driven out and their temples destroyed; if they don't drive everyone out, they'll remain a thorn in the side.

Thoughts:  Really a high point here for "this is a totally alien culture."  The Israelites have destroyed a neighboring kingdom for no terribly good reason-the friction started because Israel was slaughtering some other neighboring tribes-and Moses is pissed ("wroth") because the army left the boy children alive.  Moses, you will recall, is supposed to be the chief good guy.  This was not at God's direct bidding, but we observe God does not break his back stopping Moses, either.

That said, I can't disagree with Moses's reaction to the idea of not actually going to the promised land.  "Geez, you guys want to us to wander for forty MORE years?"

Great quotes:  And threescore and twelve thousand beeves (Num 31;33)  Okay, that's not the author's fault; that's just a fun KJV-ism. You don't hear "beeve" as a synonym for cattle much these days.

Numbers 28-30: Forget your rules, man!

Summary:  God lays out for Moses exactly how sacrifices are to be made to him.  Moses passes this on to the general population, along with specifications on keeping of vows.

Thoughts:  Perhaps this becomes clear later in the OT, but one thing I am curious about is the decision about what rules here still apply, and which don't.  Num 28:17 specifies unleavened bread around Passover, which is obviously still observed by Jews, but they aren't doing all the goat sacrifices that are mentioned just after that.  Not sure if there is a NT-like "the old rules are off!" moment (maybe during the exile from Jerusalem?) or if it just faded over time.

Great quotes:  And their meat offering shall be of flour mingled with oil, three tenth deals unto every bullock of the thirteen bullocks, two tenth deals to each ram of the two rams, (Num 29:14)  There aren't a lot of witty things to be said about these "priestly" sections; it just goes on like this for pages.

Numbers 25-27: The more things change....

Summary:  Some of the Israelites begin to consort with the women of Moab, as well as worshiping their god, Baal.  God tells Moses to kill all the leaders of the tribes; Moses, however, only wants to kill the actual apostates.  This doesn't appease God, who then sends a plague.  God's wrath is averted when Aaron's grandson Phinehas kills a man who was consorting with a Midianite.

By God's order, Moses and Aaron's son, Eleazar take a census of all (males) over 20; the lands the God will be providing are to be divided up to each House, by lot, and apportioned by the size of the house (there are about 600,000 total).  Rules are also set out for inheritance in the event of no male descendants.  God tells Moses to climb Mount Abarim and see the promised land before God gathers him to him.  Moses transfers his authority to Joshua in preparation.

Thoughts:  On one hand, I'm someone sympathetic to the threat posed by Baal.  Common religious practice is what bound the Hebrew people together-outmarriage and drifting away to other faiths was a real threat.  But once again God is, shall we say, cast in a very poor light.

Great quotes:  Wherefore say, Behold, I give unto him my covenant of peace:  (Num 25:12)  Said covenant of peace is offered by the guy who just killed 24,000 people to the the guy who put a javelin through a woman's gut.  What can be said?

Numbers 22-24: No 'ass' jokes, please

Summary:  Balak, the king of Moab, is concerned about the Israelites on his borders.  He sends envoys to the magician Balaam to curse them.  God appears to Balaam and tells him he may not, as the  Israelites are blessed.  Balak sends for him again, promising great rewards.  God tells him to go with them, but still becomes angry with Balaam.   He sends an angel to block Balaam's way.  Only Balaam's ass sees the angel; when Balaam beats the ass for turning aside, the ass tells him what's really happening.   The angel reiterates that Balaam is to go on, but to say only what God tells him to.

Having met with Balak, Balaam has altars built on a high place where he can see the Israelites, and communes with God.  He blesses, rather than curses, them, and prophesies future success for them.  Balak is not pleased, but Balaam does the same twice more.  Balak dismisses him, but Balaam makes one final oracle, specifically noting that Moab will be conquered.

Thoughts:  The OBC does its best, but the events of 22:21 through 22:23 still don't make sense.  God first says, "If the men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them."  He does go with them, and then, "And God's anger was kindled because he went."  Seriously, what? I'm just not following this at all.

Balaam's ass was a pretty popular story in medieval times, I believe, because, hey, talking animals!

Great quotes:  God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of a unicorn  (Num 24:8)  I wasn't aware unicorns were known for strength.  Learn something every day.

Numbers 20-21: The torch is passed to a new generation of Americans Israelites

Summary:  The people remonstrate with Moses and Aaron about the difficulties of life in the desert, most especially the lack of water.  Moses and Aaron beg for help from God, who tells them how to get water from a rock.  They do so, but God is unhappy with them-the reasons for this are not entirely clear-and God tells them that they will never enter the promised land.    Moses attempts to get to Canaan by flanking through Edom, but the Edomites decline to allow passage, despite Moses's assurances.  Aaron dies, after passing the priesthood to his son Eleazar.

The Israelites destroy a small contingent of Canaanites under Arad, but are discouraged and complaining by further journeying.  God sends forth poisonous snakes in response.  Many are killed, but the remainder repent, and God allows Moses to heal the rest by constructing a brass snake.  The people continue their flanking around Canaan; God provides them water at his own initiative.    The Sihonites attack the Isrealites when safe passage is sought; the Israelites are victorious, and take over their lands.  This is followed by a similar victory in Bashan.  Israel is at last at the edges of Canaan.

Thoughts:  I'll bet you were surprised when God reacted to the people's bellyaching by bringing forth the water.  The poisonous snakes show him back to normal form, though.  Yahweh, you old dog, you!  However, the people are actually penitent this time, so this may break the cycle.

The brass serpent thing is both a reminder of "sympathetic magic" as a belief of primitive people, and flat out insane.  It sounds more like a D&D encounter than a Biblical story.  Also, I'm doing the best I can with these little skirmishes over various tribes, but it's pretty boggling, even with a map.

Great quotes:  Woe to thee, Moab! thou art undone, O people of Chemosh: he hath given his sons that escaped, and his daughters, into captivity unto Sihon king of the Amorites.  (Num 21:29)  This sounds like something Reverend Lovejoy would say.

Numbers 18-19 : These posts have become increasingly cynical of late

Summary:  God speaks to Aaron (a rarity), and lays down the rules for priests and Levites regarding the tabernacle and other holy objects.  He also details how they are to take a portion of each sacrifice for themselves. 

God also details the rules for sacrificing a red heifer.  The ashes from the sacrifice are used as part of the purification of people (or things) who have touched a dead body.  It's not a sin, per se, to touch a corpse, but it does require ritual cleansing afterwards.

Thoughts:  Something's made explicit here which is generally more tacit-the priestly class gets the best part of each sacrifice for themselves.  Someone more suspicious than I might suggest the whole sacrifice thing is just a scam, whereupon the priests get to live high on the hog for not doing all that much.  I'm sure that's not it, though.

Numbers 15-17: Loose lips sink Levites

Summary:  God sets forth some rules for when the Israelites finally do enter the Promised Land-changes to how to do sacrifices, etc.  It's reiterated that breaking God's laws through ignorance is one thing, and can be atoned for through sacrifice.  Intentional and unrepentant violation, on the other hand, is not forgivable; by way of illustration, a man gathering sticks on the sabbath is stoned to death.

A group of Levites rises up under Korah, questioning the Moses-Aaron leadership.  God wipes them out, through a combination of fire and the earth opening up.  The people complain to Moses about this, whereupon God sends the plague among them.  Through Moses's intercession, God calls off the plague, after it's killed 14,700 people.  God also affirms Aaron as the priestly leader, by making his wooden staff grow ripe almonds.

Thoughts:  The stoning of the stick-gatherer serves as a reminder that the stoning scene in Life of Brian was not entirely far-fetched.  Other than that, this has a lot of the same themes as the prior passages:  just stunning bloodthirstiness on God's part (Complain about my killing people?  Pow-I just wiped out a few thousand more!) is combined with appalling stupidity among the Israelites (newsflash:  this guy doesn't respond will to constructive criticism).  I keep feeling like this is where I came in.

Man, will I be glad to get into the promised land. 

Great quotes:  And it shall come to pass, [that] the man's rod, whom I shall choose, shall blossom (Num 17:5)  Hello!

Numbers 12-14: One does not simply walk into Canaan

Summary:  Aaron and Miriam question Moses's marrying an Ethiopian woman.  God appears before all three of them, makes clear that Moses is his chosen leader (only Moses gets direct contact with God, rather than prophetic dreams), and gives Miriam leprosy in his anger.   After a plea for mercy from Moses, God agrees to cure her after seven days.

At God's direction, Moses sends the leader of each house forward to spy out the land of Canaan.  The scouts return after forty days, reporting that the land is indeed rich, but that it's inhabited and strongly defended.  The people fall into despair and the description of the Canaanite defenses, and begin to talk of returning to Egypt. Moses and Aaron (along with Joshua and Caleb, scouts who dissent from the majority report) go before the populace and implore them not to worry, God will provide a way.  In response, the people stone them. 

Numbers 9-11: I swear, if I hear any complaining from back there, someone's getting a smiting

Summary:  Passover is celebrated for the second time.  God promulgates rules for Passover celebration by people on journeys, the unclean, etc.  He also directs Moses to make some trumpets for calling meetings as well as asking for God's aid in extremis.

The Israelites begin to move out on their journey.  Almost immediately, people start complaining, leading God to consume them with flames.  When the people say they have no food, God provides manna, a foodstuff which falls to the ground each morning. 

The people still aren't happy, though-even questioning the exodus from Egypt-and Moses bridles at being forced to lead them.  God tells him to gather 70 elders to share the burden with him.  He then provides these elders with the gift of prophesy (although it appears to be time-limited).  He also provides the meat that the people had been asking for in the form of a miraculous group of quails, but then sends forth a plague for reasons that are not quite clear.

Thoughts:  Ah, here's the old fire-and-brimstone Lord we remember.  As soon as people complain, pow!  Struck down!  To be fair-clearly, these people are incorrigible whiners.  I mean, if I risked consumption by flame for bitching, you'd better believe I'd keep quiet.

What's frustrating is that there's usually not even a clearly-defined  reason for God's wrath.  Sometimes someone blasphemes or something, and you say, "Okay, maybe not a reason to consume someone with fire, but I see your point."  But then you get things like this plague sent against the quail-eaters for no reason.  He's just wrathful.  You begin to see why some of the people thought they were better off in Egypt.

Great quotes:  And the children of Israel took their journeys out of the wilderness of Sinai; and the cloud rested in the wilderness of Paran. (Num 10:12)  Hmm, sounds like a lateral.